Finding Joy in Cryptic Fellowship: Stirling Silliphant's Glowing "Suppose I Said I Was the Queen of Spain"

Above: Lois Nettleton, axiomatic in her role as an unknown enchantress donning a multiplicity of roles, opposite the smitten Tod Stiles, the prolific Martin Milner's most versatile and enduring of television roles, in Stirling Silliphant's glowing teleplay based on the story by Jerome B. Thomas, "Suppose I Said I Was the Queen of Spain," an episode of "Route 66" first airing February 8, 1963 via CBS. Ms. Nettleton, a former Miss Chicago once married to the humorist Jean Shepherd, died on January 18, 2008, leaving behind some six decades of theatre, film, and television work, mirroring in duration and scope the yet active Mr. Milner's own.

"Suppose I Said I Was the Queen of Spain," adapted by Stirling Silliphant from the story by Jerome B. Thomas; directed by David Lowell Rich; Herbert B. Leonard, executive producer; Leo Davis, supervising producer; Sam Manners, in charge of production; Leonard Katzman, associate producer; series created by Herbert B. Leonard and Stirling Silliphant; music composed and conducted by Nelson Riddle; music orchestrated by Gil Grau; Aaron Nibley, supervising film editor; art direction by John T. McCormack; Jack Marta and Irving Lippman, directors of photography; costumes by Charles Arrico; make-up by Abe Haberman; filmed with the cooperation of the Hotel Bel-Air in Los Angeles, California.

The Cast: Martin Milner as Tod Stiles; Lois Nettleton as an unknown actress; Robert Duvall as Lee; Philip Abbott as Lieutenant Cook; Harvey Korman as Mr. Mills; Frederick Downs as the Reverend Brenton; CeCe Whitney as waitress Ethel; Jerry Hausner as the auctioneer; Suzanne Ried as the cashier; Dale Johnson as the Maitre D

Nomadic Tod Stiles (Martin Milner), stopping on the Los Angeles Sunset Strip, and utilizing his credit card for some purchases, is quietly observed by an attractive young lady (Lois Nettleton). While staying at the Hotel Bel Air, he finds a well-groomed poodle on his doorstep--then meets up with the pet's apparent owner, the very same attractive onlooker as before. Stunningly decked out, she merely utters "Tonight--eightish, same place where you were Saturday night." He asks "How do you know where I was Saturday night?" Receiving no response, he inquires "I'm Tod, who might you be?" After which on screen appears the title "Suppose I Said I Was the Queen of Spain."

Arriving at the designated night spot, a fine restaurant, he finds her there already, having ordered for him his precise preference in advance. Tod speaks of the English word "waffling," here meaning "Is there any clue as to who she is?" She answers "Let's just say I'm a little something for the man who has everything." The next morning finds Tod working at an oil derrick with a friend Lee (Robert Duvall, early in his later celebrated acting career). Lee, noting Tod's concern over his mysterious dinner companion, observes "When an angel lands on your shoulder, that doesn't make you want to ask how to fly."

In a subsequent romantic meeting at his hotel room Tod finds the mysterious lady even more enticing when she remarks "I've never been in love before. Out of the whole constellations of humans, I chose you." Tod inquires "If you can trust me with your love, why not your name?" She answers "Suppose I said I was the Queen of Spain. Suppose I said I was the daughter of a lighthouse-keeper. Suppose I said I don't exist; I'm an illusion. Is love dependent on a substance, a reality?" Tod then announces "The first Queen of Spain was Isabel. I dub you Isabel, darling." Having fallen head over heels in love, Tod afterwards accompanies her back to her apparent hotel and asks "Which window is yours?" She responds with yet another conundrum "When you say I open . . . but when you ask I close. I read somewhere, 'love without reason is love without end.'" She leaves him to go into the hotel, then offers some money to the cleaning lady so that she may go out to Tod with the words "The Queen of Spain sailed without Columbus. Tell him 'I love you, Tod.'"

Soon afterwards Tod discovers his credit card missing, and reporting that fact to investigator Lieutenant Cook (Philip Abbott), learns of his dismal chance of retrieving it. Enter one "Mr. Mills" (Harvey Korman, long before his days with Carol Burnett), a representative of the credit card company, who reports that Tod has been charged to the tune of $9,216.43; demands proper payment from him and summarily terminates his any future credit. Mulling over his seemingly overwhelming debt, first at a local bar, then in a Turkish bath to sober up, To chances upon "Isabel," the obvious purloiner, in a skid-row section of town. She is now posing as "Susan Anders," a Salvation Army mission worker. She feigns absolute surprise when he seizes her, demanding the return of his credit card. Upon this "citizen's arrest," she merely implores that he rest "You look hungry and tired. May we get you something, young man?" He retorts "the bunco squad!," which initiates a brawl. Released, she comments, "Mr. Stiles, don't lose faith in all women." Meeting up with her on the street, she calmly advises "What's wrong with illusion?" He notes that she had run up some ten thousand dollars in expenses by profligate spending on tickets in all directions and a "wardrobe to match every place." Ignoring this, she simply states "I'm twenty-two today--my birthday."

Back at his hotel, Tod's credit card representative now informs him that all the disputed items purchased with his card have been returned, leaving a balance due of just over one hundred dollars, with Tod accordingly being reinstated of his credit. Thus Tod, feeling his love requited, drives off in search of this "illusion or reality." Returning to the mission, he finds her former supervisor reporting that she has gone, having mentioned Columbus, with "two many worlds to discover." The investigator likens her to "a kid in a candy store, who's got to see a different life." While with him, Tod is summoned to a phone where her unmistakable voice asks that he meet her at the Department of Theatre at the U.C.L.A. campus.

Once there, he finds her very much alone, now posing as "Lila Gunther." Again she feigns no familiarity with him. Becoming a captive audience, he sits singularly in the auditorium as she appears on stage. She asks if he has read any Russian novels, of the sort whose characters meet strangers on trains. She expatiates "I'm working on a kind of play. Would you listen, as only strangers can, with complete honesty?" Her soliloquy opens: "Ladies and gentlemen. This is a play very much like human life. Obviously it has a beginning. Unfortunately, it has an end. You see me here alone. Yet if you watch, if you listen, you discover a person within a person. You are free to choose what you may from my play . . . free to cast your own players. As children do, reaching for everything, they can have nothing. . . . Since my players can so no to nothing, they can't say yes to anything. Don't follow the players too closely; ask 'What did you mean?' They are migratory. . . . In this fashion, if I were to say I were the Queen of Spain, in my heart, I know its not true, but I can still live the enchantment."

Dejected, Tod can only conclude "I'm sorry I won't get to see the rest of the play." And she, in turn, concludes both her own play and the teleplay itself with the line "The end . . . is that everyone goes his own way." His cue properly taken, Tod applauds briefly and exits the theatre.

"Suppose I Said I Was the Queen of Spain" represents "Route 66" at its most enigmatic. A celebration of adventure, of finding joy in cryptic fellowship, the teleplay remains potent, as it adjures us to seek after intellectual liberation.

Below: Silliphant's teleplay concludes with the elusive chameleon, now assuming the role of "Lila Gunther," alone on the stage at the Department of Theatre at the U.C.L.A. campus, before her solitary captive audience of Tod Stiles. She reveals to him: 'This is a play very much like human life. In this fashion, if I were to say I were the Queen of Spain, in my heart, I know its not true, but I can still live the enchantment." Before departing, a disconsolate Tod remarks: "I'm sorry I won't get to see the rest of the play."